Over a month since I’ve been here and I don’t have a single decent excuse to throw at you. My head feels like a Ninja blender most days, filled with ice cubes and peanut butter and eggplant parmesan and big honkin’ Brazil nuts and liverwurst and gouda cheese and low sodium V-8. A smoothie from hell.
The day job’s spilled over into the rest of my life, the car’s on its last leg, the writing plods along like the slug that it is, my house is falling apart around me, my kids are my kids are my kids, my dogs need their toenails clipped and their butts expressed and they have cabin fever and keep humping the couch pillows, my spouse is working like the workaholic that she is and fades out with me during Primetime television at night and here’s the damnedest thing, I keep getting older. That bugger time just pushes along.
Don’t get me wrong, I go through the motions, but I feel dull as an old nickel choking at the bottom of someone’s penny jar. My only hope is to write to Ellen and get her to fly me out to California and save my sorry ass. But my story is so lame compared to all the other heartbreakers with their deployed spouses and termite infested homes and 17 children and gambling debts.
‘Tis the season. Inadequacy looms behind every missed bargain, limp latke, pilled sweater, new chin hair, broken ornament.
I know, as my mother would always say, this too shall pass. I will wake up soon and feel lucky. My hair will behave, there won’t be a run in my knee high stockings, the coffee will taste amazing and give me the perfect buzz, the kid at the Dunkin Donuts drive through might wink at me, I’ll think of a perfect sentence, write an scene that’s hysterical and poignant, my kids will make me laugh, I’ll have dinner with a friend who will tell me I smell good, I’ll organize my linen closet or find the perfect recipe for vegan gingerbread with only 5 ingredients. Life will smile on me, show me the error of my ways. All things will once again be possible.
I know there is an up to this down, a ying to this yang. I know I’ll come back to this blog eventually. I’ll write shit for anyone bored or brave enough to read it. This is the way my world spins. With a bang and a whimper, both.
It’s good to be back here, waxing and waning. Gives me a glimmer of the “H” word, dare I say it, hope. Throwing it out there to you. Spread it around when you get it. If you’re in the gang of shame and loathing, you know we’ve got to keep that sucker going.